Why Adult Children Become Estranged from their Parents
Family is one of the first chances you get (or don’t get) to have a healthy relationship. When you are born into this world, it’s your family—whether biological or not— that is trusted with the role of your caregiver.
The presumed/expected role of your family as caregivers can make family estrangement ever more painful and confusing. The pain and confusion is often tied to unfulfilled hopes, needs, and expectations. As adult children who become estranged from their parents, there can be a deep sense of grief tied to the childhood you wish you had and never received; there can be grief tied to a loss of time/experience that can never be retrieved.
In this blog, I share several reasons why adult children may become estranged from their parents/caregivers. I hope that it offers a starting point for better understanding yourself and/or loved ones who have become estranged from their parents/caregiver/family.
“The presumed/expected role of your family as caregivers can make family estrangement ever more painful and confusing.”
What Is Family Estrangement?
Before discussing why adult children may become estranged from their parents/caregivers, I’d like to define what “family estrangement” means.
Family estrangement refers to reduced or complete absence of contact—emotional and/or physical from your family.
Common Reasons Estrangement Happens
Here are some common reasons adult children may become estranged from their parents/caregivers. There are reasons that extend beyond this list; this is not an exhaustive list.
emotional abuse: This refers to experiences such as, being called names, being made fun of/poked fun at, yelled/sworn at, being threatened, etc.
conflicting values: This refers to a clash in core beliefs, ethics, and morals.
cultural expectations: This refers to a mismatch between what your family-of-origin’s cultural norms/expectations are and what you, as an individual need/want for your life.
unresolved trauma: This refers to traumatic experiences endured within the family dynamic, which can include all the reasons noted above and more, including but not limited to experiences of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. In summary, adult children may become estranged from their parents/caregivers when they no longer feel emotionally or physically safe within the relationship.
The Emotional and Physical Impacts of Estrangement
It cannot be stressed enough how much of an impact estrangement can have on you as an adult. Unfortunately, people often underestimate the impact because there’s a misconception that as adults, you are somehow less affected or unaffected by your parents/caregivers/family. This misconception is often tied to assumptions many have adopted about what it means to be an adult. One such assumption is that as an adult, you “should be” more self-sufficient/independent and thus, you “should be” less vulnerable to being affected by others (which is not true).
Below are some of the effects estrangement can have on your mind and body:
Some emotions you may feel when estranged from parents/caregivers/family:
sadness
grief
guilt
anger
relief
regret
confusion
Some physical symptoms/body sensations you may feel when estranged from parents/caregivers/family:
muscle tension
feeling “on edge”/being easily startled
fatigue
increased heart rate
increased blood pressure
difficulty falling/staying asleep
trouble breathing/not breathing fully
“lump in the throat”
Estrangement, like other painful experiences, can often have an effect on the body and mind because of the intricate connection between mental distress and physiological stress. When our minds are stressed, our bodies turn on a slew of stress responses (such as the physical symptoms/body sensations listed above) as a way to try and fight off what is stressing us/to protect us.
Cultural Dynamics in Estrangement
Being estranged from your family can seem unthinkable, especially among those who grew up within more collectivist and family-oriented cultures, such as Asian American cultures and families. Among many Asian Americans, regular family contact is seen as a given and the norm. There are often, unspoken expectations around loyalty, obligation, and self-sacrifice to maintain the “peace” of the family as a whole unit. When estranged from your family, this can create deep internal conflict. On the one hand, there may be a part of you that feels compelled to toughen up, shut up, and put up with whatever family dynamics/relationships, even if it pains/hurts you. On the other hand, there may be a part of you that is exhausted, burnt-out, and at your breaking point of what you can continue to tolerate with your family. These different parts of you can create deep internal conflict, leading you to question not only your relationships with your family, but also your relationship with yourself/your identity and your other valued relationships, with friends, colleagues, and romantic partners.
How Therapy May Help
In therapy, we’ll work together to:
Process the grief of family estrangement, which includes making sense of the loss/absence of these family relationships in your life and tending to the impacts it has on how you feel and think about yourself and others.
Identify patterns across your relationships, helping you to understand where these patterns come from and increase/maintain the patterns that honor the whole of who you are—past, present, and future, as well as decrease/break the patterns that no longer align with who you are and what you need/want.
Clarify and maintain healthy boundaries. (Boundaries are sometimes presented in a negative light as one possible expression of it can look like, rejection of others’ needs/wants. However, there are ways to set boundaries while still, considering others needs/wants. This is what we would work on together).
About the Author
Gina Li, LCSW, is a therapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area, California and founder of Heart In Mind. She works with young adults, Asian Americans, and caregivers who are navigating challenges with estrangement, relationships, and identity.
Her approach is collaborative and attentive to the ways culture and past experiences, including past traumatic experiences, shape how we relate to ourselves and others. She supports individuals in making sense of emotional distance/hurt in their relationships and in reconnecting with themselves in a way that feels grounded and aligned.
Learn more about Heart In Mind’s specialties at the links below: